4/12 - Searching For Something More

I have not spoken about this before.

As I continue sharing this 12-part series - bringing into the open what was happening internally before the 2019 collapse - a memory has resurfaced.

At the time, my company was at the height of its credibility.

My professional identity was firmly established.
I was keynote speaking.
Training for Google.
Leading a growing agency approaching seven-figure annual turnover.
We were the UK representative of what was then called the “Global Conversion Alliance.”

Externally, there was momentum.
Reputation.
Validation.

Internally, there was something else.

In a 1-to-1 conversation with my marketing manager, Dante - who had sat with me in countless leadership and management meetings - he was trying to understand something he could see but not quite articulate.

He said, in essence:

“It feels like you want to make more of an impact in people’s lives.”

As he spoke, I remember two things clearly.

First, his sincerity.
He genuinely cared.

Second, his dawning realisation.

Running and growing a highly respected agency - something that had built over 12 years - was no longer satisfying me in the way it once had.

Not because it was failing.

But because it wasn’t answering something deeper.

What seemed increasingly obvious to him - and quietly undeniable to me - was that I wanted to have a meaningful impact on individual lives. Not just through the technical expertise of the business. Not just through revenue growth or industry recognition.

Something more personal.
Something more direct.

Looking back now, this was not simple dissatisfaction.

It was the early signal that something essential was missing.

At the time, I did not know what that “something” was.

But I knew it was big - as it would mean changing the path that I had been on for many years.

What I did not yet understand was that the absence was not external.

It was internal.

There was something within my inner world that needed to change long before any outward shift would make sense.

But I could not see that yet.

All I knew was this:

Success was no longer enough.