The Exhaustion of Repeated Cycles

At times, it truly was exhausting to live life where thought patterns would suddenly return. Destructive thoughts would come into my mind, my mind would begin racing again, and I would find myself acting and behaving in ways that had a negative effect on others.

The battle of the mind is something I have lived through and experienced deeply. Most often, it is hidden from other people - an internal and, at times, perpetual battle of thoughts. How tiring it can be. How exhausting it can be.

Yes, I did the things I learned to do in order to cope - to escape, or try to escape, from destructive thought patterns. And yes, I experienced periods of peace and happiness along the way. I was able to function. I was able to be a husband, a father, a business owner, and a speaker. I was able to do all of those things.

But the repeated cycles would not end.

As the years went on, even while seeking professional help, there were times when I began to feel hopeless and helpless. I felt trapped - trapped in what seemed like an inescapable mental and emotional prison.

There was nothing anyone else could do about it, and there was certainly nothing I could do about it, despite my best efforts and despite investing in myself.

I remember being forty years young and having seen a therapist for around five years. In one session, I said, “Nothing’s changing. I’m still battling with the same things.” The therapist agreed and said, “Yes, I don’t feel I’m offering you anything more now, because we’re still talking about the same things we were five years ago.”

The depth of frustration I felt was rooted in a longing to be free. No matter how much I spoke about things, no matter how much knowledge I gained, and no matter how much sense it made of how my younger years had affected my adult years, nothing truly changed.

It felt like going round in circles - back and forward, back and forward.

My heart is for men and women who may recognise this pattern in their own lives. People who experience seasons that feel good and peaceful, and other seasons that feel heavy, frustrating and reflective. At times, maybe even helpless or hopeless.

Some may find themselves resigning to thoughts like, “I’ll just have to live with it,” or “I’ll always be this way,” believing that these inner mental and emotional battles will continue for the rest of their life.

My heart is to be there for men and women like this - to be a guide and a signpost - helping them believe that it truly is possible for those repeated cycles to end, and that true inner peace can be found, no longer being trapped in what once felt like an inescapable prison of the mind.